Tied to the mast
…but orange now and black

Don’t worry…

Causes for concern:

  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been smoking through my whole pregnancy…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been calling her fat since she was a toddler…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always have a few drinks before going to bed…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always lie to my parole officer…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always wash my hands until they bleed…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve only ever crashed twice driving home from a bar…”
  • “Don’t worry, my five-year-old son always sits in the front seat…”
  • “Don’t worry, I never order more than a salad and a diet soda at dinner…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always wipe the needle off with my shirt first…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been living without health insurance since I finished school…”
  • “Don’t worry about her, she’s always crying and covered in bruises…”
  • “Don’t worry, most of the killings in your neighbourhood happen three blocks South of your apartment…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve used this doctor for all of my abortions…”
  • “Don’t worry about her, she’s been a total bitch to everyone since starting chemotherapy…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always cry after someone touches me there…”
  • “Don’t worry, they’ve always been killing each other over there…”
  • “Don’t worry, it’s not just you, I think almost everybody’s going to hell…”
  • “Don’t worry, it’s not rape if it’s every night of our marriage…” (*cringe*)
  • “Don’t worry, we’ve killed dozens of other detainees since 2001…”
  • “Don’t worry, the doctor says those particular type of anal warts aren’t contagious…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, it always smells like gas in here. Pass the lighter…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, I hear he/she likes small penises…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, I saw this in a movie once…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been smoking so the cops won’t smell the booze on my breath…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, we’ll just paint over the water damage…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, the transmission won’t smell by the time he gets the car back…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, they don’t have the guts to shoot anyone…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, the AIDS will kill the baby…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, it isn’t ethnic cleansing if the world community doesn’t notice…” (DM)
  • “Don’t worry, I always let my son lie on top of the oil derrick…” (DM)
  • “Don’t worry, OSHA’s never going to inspect it…” (Tom) (presumably OSHA = Occupational Health and Safety Organization)
  • “Don’t worry, I’ll pull out before I finish…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, I have a concealed weapons permit…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure marijuana is legal here…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, my car’s been making that noise since I bought it…” (Tom)
  • Don’t worry, he’ll never get re-elected. (Tom’s pal Joe)
  • Don’t worry, those instructions are for people who don’t know what they’re doing. (Tom’s pal Joe)
  • Don’t worry, God told me to do it. (Tom’s pal Joe)

(Reader submissions welcome, with attribution unless otherwise specified)


One Response to “Don’t worry…”

  1. Don’t worry, he’ll never get re-elected.

    Don’t worry, those instructions are for people who don’t know what they’re doing.

    Don’t worry, God told me to do it.


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