Tied to the mast
…but orange now and black

Don’t worry, I shake my baby all the time…

So I’m staying with a friend right now in New York while I try to get myself established. She however, has just taken off to visit her dad up in the Berkshires, leaving me responsible for her skittish but nevertheless lovely cat, Maggie. The problem is that I’m heading back for graduation tomorrow morning, and she’s not back until the following day.

I proposed that we ask a downstairs neighbour to come in and pet her and freshen her water at some point on Friday, to which Karin responded,

Oh no, don’t worry, I’ve left her alone for 2 days before a few times. You just need to leave her a lot of food [she’s a grazer, and wouldn’t eat it all at once anyway], and a few different bowls of water.

Parenthetically, I agree that that’s totally fine. Unless one has an extremely high strung cat, 36 hours every once in a while ought not be a huge deal. But accepting the point wouldn’t have been any fun, so I responded with the title of this post. I, of course, found myself hilarious and laughed considerably harder than she did (I think she was trying to decide whether or not to be offended). Anyway, new counterproductive “don’t worry…” lines have been coming to me all day. Here’s the list so far:

  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been smoking through my whole pregnancy…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been calling her fat since she was a toddler…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always have a few drinks before going to bed…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always lie to my parole officer…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always wash my hands until they bleed…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve only ever crashed twice driving home from a bar…”
  • “Don’t worry, my five-year-old son always sits in the front seat…”
  • “Don’t worry, I never order more than a salad and a diet soda at dinner…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always wipe the needle off with my shirt first…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been living without health insurance since I finished school…”
  • “Don’t worry about her, she’s always crying and covered in bruises…”
  • “Don’t worry, most of the killings in your neighbourhood happen three blocks South of your apartment…”
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve used this doctor for all of my abortions…”
  • “Don’t worry about her, she’s been a total bitch to everyone since starting chemotherapy…”
  • “Don’t worry, I always cry after someone touches me there…”
  • “Don’t worry, they’ve always been killing each other…”
  • “Don’t worry, it’s not just you, I think almost everybody’s going to hell…”
  • “Don’t worry, it’s not rape if it’s every night of our marriage…” (*cringe*)
  • “Don’t worry, we’ve killed dozens of other detainees since 2001…”

Try it. It’s fun! Suggestions? Submissions will be added both to this post (with attribution unless otherwise specified), and to the newly created “Don’t worry…” page at right.

Submissions:

  • “Don’t worry, the doctor says those particular type of anal warts aren’t contagious…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, it always smells like gas in here. Pass the lighter…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, I hear he/she likes small penises…” (Eric Sasson)
  • “Don’t worry, I saw this in a movie once…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, I’ve been smoking so the cops won’t smell the booze on my breath…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, we’ll just paint over the water damage…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, the transmission won’t smell by the time he gets the car back…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, they don’t have the guts to shoot anyone…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, the AIDS will kill the baby…” (Grant Morgan)
  • “Don’t worry, it isn’t ethnic cleansing if the world community doesn’t notice…” (DM)
  • “Don’t worry, I always let my son lie on top of the oil derrick…” (DM, channeling Daniel Plainview)
  • “Don’t worry, God never answers…” (DM)
  • “Don’t worry, my friend Eli Roth thinks that a Nazi comedy-revenge-fantasy pastiche is a good idea…” (DM)
  • “Don’t worry, OSHA’s never going to inspect it…” (Tom) (presumably OSHA = Occupational Health and Safety Organization)
  • “Don’t worry, I’ll pull out before I finish…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, I have a concealed weapons permit…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure marijuana is legal here…” (Tom)
  • “Don’t worry, my car’s been making that noise since I bought it…” (Tom)

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One Response to “Don’t worry, I shake my baby all the time…”

  1. Don’t worry, I won’t comment on this post…


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